Changin’

So I briefly mentioned a list of things that I’d probably write about on here…
Well, before the difficult and sagacious reflections from FaithWalkers, I just want to share a startling eye-opener that I experienced about, oh, four or five years ago.

Before I go much into it, here’s an excerpt I liked that’s almost spot on to my quote-unquote epiphany from the book Mr. Micah Darling let me borrow, A Severe Mercy:

He had wont to despise emotions: girls were emotional, girls were weak, emotions – tears – were weakness. But this morning he was thinking that being a great brain on a tower, nothing but a brain, wouldn’t be much fun. No excitement, no dog to love, no joy in the blue sky – no feelings at all. But feelings – feeling are emotions! He was suddenly overwhelmed by the revelation that what makes life worth living, precisely, the emotions. But then – this was awful! – maybe girls with their tears and laughter were getting more out of life. Shattering! He checked himself: showing one’s emotions was not the thing: having them was. Still, he was dizzy with the revelation. What is beauty but something that is responded to with emotion? Courage, at least partly, is emotional. All the splendor of life. But if the best of life is, in fact, emotional, then one wanted the highest, purest emotions:and that meant joy. Joy was the highest. How did one find joy? In books it seemed to be found in love – a great love – though maybe for the saints there was joy in the love for God. He didn’t aspire to that, though: he didn’t even believe in God. Certainly not! So if he wanted the heights of joy, he must have, if he could find it, a great love. But in the books again, great joy through love seemed always to go hand in hang with frightful pain. Still, he thought, looking out across the meadow, still, the joy would be worth the pain – if, indeed, they went together.

There are a few things here you could assume were my realization… Emotions, God, Love, whatevs… Like I said, this came about around five years ago. Do you remember me and what I was like five years ago? It was… a version… of a rebellious youth for that age. I knew what I wanted, but I didn’t really know WHAT I wanted. I had poorly groomed, long, poorly dyed black hair and that black Schecter C-1 Elite…both of which, I’d like to point out, are gone forever… I’ll skip most of it. But, and I don’t know when it happened precisely, I noticed the only things I knew how to feel were bitterness, annoyance, anger and the spectrum of sad feelings. Even though I was bent on feeling chill and giving off that impression, well I was later actually, I realized I was really uptight and wrapped up in these feelings. I couldn’t show a genuine smile. If I smiled or laughed, it had to be AT something or someone. The long in short of it all being that I was a little prick.

I realized I didn’t like who I was…at all… and that everyone else probably felt the same way whether the wanted to admit it or not. I noticed that those things – emotions – were as Sheldon (the author) put it, what makes life worth living. I didn’t know what utter joy felt like, but I wanted it. I remember, only vaguely, the progression of thoughts in my head that lead me to the shifting point. The point of change. I basically decided to change right then and try…actually try…

So I shaved my head.

I daresay most people, especially girls, change their hair when they feel they need a drastic change. Something about hair being changed gives the impression of immense change in a life as a whole. It’s funny though, people rarely go beyond that. It’s like they get distracted by the mirror and forget everything else they wanted to do. Well, I only sort of did that. I DID change myself a LOT. I became an easy person to deal with and interact with…an easier person, I guess. The decision to let myself begin experiencing things for once was easy. Letting myself experience things was easy. What I pursued, in regards to Sheldon, like Sheldon, was not God, per say. Yes, yes, I DID and do, believe in God. But I didn’t head that way whole-heartedly. It was the whole Dusty-God-Upon-The-Shelf thing. I’m a Christian and I know he’s there if I need him. So like Sheldon, I pursued love. But the not great love like he. I pursued girls. That too, even, if a half-truth. It sounds horrible – I know it IS horrible – I decided to let girls pursue me. It was fun. The ego I had previously shot up further. The ego I have nowadays is even still larger, but the difference now is that I try humble myself and stay humble. Whether it appears that way or not, I do. But I hunted joy. Fervently, I hunted it. I came out empty-handed.

I decided to change again. But unlike those girls, God doesn’t pursue with such vigor. He pursues to an extent such that he will meet you where you are. Steele Crosswhite’s song Right Where I’m Standing has been a key song for me in the past. He also works to show himself to you in different ways; the wild nature is a crucial thing in a man’s heart. He also will “boost” you to him through vivid acts to humble you. Something I learned through these things is: He wants YOU! Not love notes or good intentions. Not butterfly words or Sunday mornings. Not a five-minute stumbling through a psalm or two in the morning or a mouthed worship song. He wants YOU!

This change is perpetual for me. I find myself effervescent when I learn that I’ve changed and new things are being done in me. It’s not always a pin-point epiphany. Regardless of whether or not it’s perpetual or realized, it – the joy brought about by God rather than a Great Love, or in my case, girls – is something worth chasing.

Well ok… haha. That was long and winded…and more sporatic than I had anticipated. I should probably outline the things I want to say instead of just sitting down to type. You’d think all of my experience would have taught me that by now, huh? Guess not. Well, the bowl of M&M’s next to me, the one I mentioned last time, now contains nothing but green candy-coated chocolates. And the bag of Santitas, my favorite corn chip, is now gone. My yellow plastic glass of Dr. Pepper is only half-empty because I just got it. Now that I’m done typing for now… I’m going to go watch some Weeds.

Tonight: Swing dancing with my lovely. Oh yes… Swing dancing

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “Changin’

  1. Anonymous

    I remember you back then. You were rather difficult. All gloom and such. Not long after you shaved your head we sat on a hammock and talked about life. Then you talked at church and told everyone you didn’t like them. It is nice to see the change. šŸ™‚

  2. Sarah Jean

    I’m glad to see the change too. God is good, baby. He keeps working…

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